A dummies guide to what not to say to a bisexual

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Bisexuality is a topic which I’ve needed to do no research on. I don’t need to research what not to say to someone who is bisexual, because I can just talk from personal experience as to what has been said to me. So this is going to be a list which has probably been on buzzed, or the huffington post about a gazillion times…but it’s pretty clear that people aren’t reading those lists because stupid keeps coming out of their mouths, so feel free to read this and re-educate yourselves on what not to say to people who identify as bisexual.

Let’s talk about me first, about my story. I first came out as bisexual at 15 to my boyfriend at the time. I was a confused, hormonal, teenage girl who felt guilty for finding girls attractive. I mean, I had a boyfriend, I was meant to be attracted to him and to boys in general right? I mean, that’s the norm, that’s what society wants, and at that time I had never met anyone else who was attracted to boys and girls. I felt guilty. My boyfriend at the time was cool about it, he just shrugged his shoulders and said “yeah I’ve always guessed that you were attracted to girls too, I didn’t want to say anything because it was for you to figure out, doesn’t bother me either way.” My god the relief that went through me was unbelievable.

I probably should have figured it out earlier. I mean, when we moved to high school everyone had pictures of Jesse McCartney up in their lockers whereas I had the Olsen twins (I figure I was the wiser one here, I mean there’s only one Jesse, but there’s Mary-Kate AND Ashley, good lord.)

But like my boyfriend said, it was for me to figure out, and once I had it figured out, it all made sense. I didn’t feel normal still, but I soon grew into that.

I came out to my best friends, and my parents, and they were all so accepting of it. There are still many people in my life who probably don’t know that I’m bisexual and they’ll only find out from reading this blog so – hey guys, i’m bisexual, like it or lump it.

However, throughout the years I’ve had several comments from people about my sexuality, and I know a few of my bisexual friends have as well. Sometimes people are joking, which is fine, I can handle a joke as well as the next person – two of my best friends call me their little lesbian, but it’s okay because of the context of our friendship. But sometimes people over step the mark, or they just don’t know me well enough to joke about something as personal as my sexuality.

Here is every example I can think of – brace yourselves, it’s quite a list.

  1. “So, have you ever been with a girl?” 

It’s amazing how many people want to openly know whether or not I’ve had sex with a girl. It’s as if to prove that I’m bisexual I have to give everyone I come out to a list of people I’ve slept with for them to check and approve it. What they don’t realise is, whether or not someone has slept with men and women it doesn’t actually affect their sexuality. If it were this way, every single individual who is still a virgin wouldn’t identify as a sexuality – I’ll bet every straight male out there knew he was straight before he lost his virginity to a girl… so why is it any different for bisexuals? We don’t have to pass a test to be classed as bisexual, it’s not as if I had to have an initiation where I went into a room and slept with a female, and then into another room and slept with a male, and when I came out there was a banner saying “Congratulations you are now bisexual!” Sexuality isn’t just about the act of sex. I know gay people who have had sex with the opposite gender – still gay, because that’s how they now choose to identify. Besides, don’t you realise how weird it is to ask about my sex life?! Butt out, you nosey dick.

2. “You’re just being greedy.” 

What?! Like…what!? I really don’t understand this one. People think I’m bisexual so I can have the pick of all the males and females in the world? No, it doesn’t work like that. Think about it – by logic, I only “have the pick” of the males who are attracted to girls, and the girls who are attracted to girls, to begin with. Then there’s the fact of I’m not attracted to EVERY SINGLE male and female. That’s not how bisexuality works, it works the same as any other sexuality. I’m pretty certain that every single straight male/female is not attracted to every single female/male out there. Well, funnily enough, neither am I.

3. “So, you’re half gay and half straight?”

Okay, I admit, I use this as a joke to explain myself, but usually to my friends. We joke around about what percentage “gay” I am, and what percentage “straight” I am. But realistically, it’s not like that at all. It’s not like I spend 50% of my time thinking about tits and 50% of my time thinking about dicks (I have better things to do with my day, anyway). It’s not so easily split like that. Yes, a lot of bisexuals know that they are more attracted to one gender than the other, but that doesn’t make them more straight or more gay. It still makes them bisexual. For example, I am more attracted to males than females, but that doesn’t mean I’m more straight, I still love girls. Why are straight and gay the only valid sexualities and have to be used to describe my own? My sexuality has a name, and it’s bisexual, and that’s what I am – despite the percentages I use to get my own head around it.

4. “But you have a boyfriend, so you’re straight now right?” 

So, like I explained earlier, I first came out when I had a boyfriend. Apparently this meant that I had to be straight and my bisexuality was suddenly, despite only just being discovered, no longer valid. Sorry, nope. Whether I’m in a male/female relationship or a female/female relationship, I am and always will be bisexual. My sexuality shouldn’t only exist whilst I’m single, it’s a part of me and will continue to be whether I’m holding hands with a male or a female.

5. “You’re just trying to get guys attention.”

If I was that desperate for guys attention I wouldn’t have spent my teenage years wrestling with the confusion of my sexuality, the stress of coming out to my parents and close friends, and the continuous comments from strangers and others….I’d just take my top off and flash my tits.
It’s absolutely ridiculous that everything females do have to somehow circle around what guys want. A girl is a lesbian – they haven’t found the right guy. A girl is bisexual – they want a guys attention. A girl is straight – they want to fuck every guy. Good lord men, not everything is about you. I’m not kissing this extremely hot girl because I want your attention, I’m kissing her because I want hers.

6. “It’s a phase, it will pass.”

Why? Where’s your evidence that it’s a phase? When will it pass? What is the deadline date on me being allowed to be attracted to girls and guys? When is the day that I have to start conforming to societies norms and only to be attracted to males just to make everyone else more comfortable? Exactly. It’s not a phase, it’s real and it’s as valid as your sexuality. It’s hilarious that anyone who is straight is never told that them being attracted to the opposite gender is a phase.

7. “But if you had to choose, guys or girls?”

But I don’t have to choose, so I’m not going to answer that question. I can’t choose, that’s the point, that’s why I’m bisexual, I like both. And I’m not going to answer that question for you to just turn round and go “Oooh, so you’re actually just straight/gay?” depending on my answer. I’m not going to “choose”, one day i’m not going to suddenly “pick a side” and stick to it. Sure, one day I’ll meet someone, and fall in love, and that’ll be it for me – but even then I’ll still be bisexual no matter what the gender of my partner is. So no, I’m not going to choose just for your entertainment.

8. “Bisexuals are more likely to cheat.”

Where the ever-loving fuck has this logic come from? Probably from the assumption that we’re all greedy and want to sleep with everyone who wants past us. Or from the assumption that men and women give different levels of sexual satisfaction, and a bisexual sleeping with a man is always going to want to sleep with a woman and vice versa. Being a cheat doesn’t depend on your sexuality, it depends on how much of a dickhead you are. Plenty of straight males and females engage in cheating behaviour, plenty of bisexual people engage in cheating behaviour, but not because they’re bisexual, because they’re dickheads. As a bisexual, I’ve been cheated on more than once, but I’ve never cheated on anyone I’ve been with – funny that.

9. “If you cheated on me with a girl, I wouldn’t care.” 

A guy I was sleeping this once said this to me. Safe to say that was the last time we saw each other. What, so the thought of me wanting to be with someone else more than you doesn’t matter to you just because it was with a girl? The lying, the deceit, me going behind your back…none of that would matter just because I would’ve slept with another girl and you’ve decided from your nights alone watching porn hub that it’s pretty hot? You’re disgusting, and disrespectful, and just taking advantage of my sexuality. I fancy girls too, but it doesn’t mean I don’t care if a guy/girl cheats on me with one. Where’s the logic!? Cheating is cheating. Any guy who says this to me just proves that he doesn’t care about me, he doesn’t care about my respect for him, or my loyalty to him, or how much I care about him – all he cares about is getting off, and if that’s from the thought of me going behind his back and getting better sex than he’s ever given me, then I guess that’s his loss.

10. “Can we have a threesome?”

No. This is probably going to be the answer I give to you if this is the first thing you say when I tell you i’m bisexual. I went back on tinder a few months ago, just to see the market, and the first person I matched with said “So, I see you’re bisexual. That means you’re open to threesomes. How about it?” I’m as open to threesomes as the next person, but not because I’m bisexual. You don’t have to be bisexual to want a threesome, straight people have them all the time. And I’m not bisexual just to have threesomes. Plenty of bisexual people never want to have a threesome in their life. Just because they like girls and guys, it doesn’t mean they want both at the same time. Being bisexual is about sexuality and attraction, not bedroom activities. Assuming differently is demoralising, and turning all bisexuals into sex toys which is not what we are.

11. “I don’t believe that bisexuals exist.”

I usually don’t bother responding to this one. I mean, I don’t exist right? They’re talking to someone that doesn’t exist, so what’s the point?

12. “I hate guys, I wish I was attracted to girls too, they’re so much easier.”

Okay, first off, girls are not “easier” to date or whatever. That’s a myth, any relationship needs effort and compromise from both sides no matter what the gender. Secondly, you don’t hate guys at all, you clearly just pick the wrong ones (don’t worry, i do too). Thirdly and most importantly, it’s not as if sexuality is a switch you can flick on and off however you please. Trust me, if it was my life would be a lot easier. This comment is just demoralising, and makes it seem as though I’ve chosen to be this way because I want my dating life to be easier which isn’t the case what so ever. I don’t find girls attractive when I’m sick of guys or vice versa, it’s just something that happens. So get over yourself, pick the better guys, and you’ll be just fine.

 

So there we go, there’s a fairly limited list on what not to say bisexuals and the reasons why. We’re people too, we don’t need to validate our sexuality to you, and our sexuality is not just a switch we can flick on and off. We’re bisexual because we were born that way, it’s not something we’ve chosen, and it’s something that i’m proud of and none of the above comments will make me ashamed to be bisexual, they will just make me want to punch you in the face.

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One thought on “A dummies guide to what not to say to a bisexual

  1. This made me smile, I love honestly and frankly you have discussed this topic. You would be surprised how many women I have dated that have kissed a girl while out clubbing then wondered why I wasnt happy about this ? Why would you want to kiss anyone else ? Why does it make a difference what sexual organs they have? Definitely some re-education needed worldwide on these kinds of topics! X

    Like

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